Image via WikipediaMother is a living, fire breathing advertisement for the success of the British welfare state.Still living independently, at 95 she had a hip replaced and this year, at 96, she has had a knee replacement and her doctor tells her that she should now be good for another ten years!
She has help in the mornings and evenings, has a shopper for the heavy stuff and a wonderful young woman who mucks her out once a week and keeps me in touch with the things mother would rather I did not know...like finding her on the kitchen table leaning on her zimmer frame to remove the batteries from her smoke alarm in case it went off while she was cooking her Christmas roast.
She shouldn't have been either..... on the table or contemplating cooking her Christmas dinner...as she had planned to come out to us over Christmas and the New Year, but her plans have been scotched by her doctor who has told her not to take a long haul flight for several months yet, for fear of thrombosis following her op.
Believe me, the Skype was hot after that little announcement.
She had me consulting every flight comparison site in creation to find a way of breaking the flight into shorter components to get past the medical ruling and I am now an expert on how to get from Southampton to Milan via Amsterdam in order to catch a twice weekly charter flight to a provincial airport in Costa Rica while ensuring that only the cheapest ticket offers are used.
All to no avail.
The Atlantic crossing was something even mother could not overcome, but the research will not be wasted.
When she does get the green light to travel there is no way that she and American immigration officials should meet.
One request for fingerprints and a mug shot and she'll be over the counter before you can say Homeland Security, thrusting her British Legion badge into the operative's face and announcing that she hadn't fought Hitler to be treated like a criminal by...of all people...Americans!
Depending on their speed of reaction they might have her in an orange jumpsuit before she gives them chapter and verse on America's late entry into two world wars and her views on what should be done to President Bush...but I wouldn't place any bets...
So she'll be travelling on other routes...direct from Madrid, or via Mexico City...or the charter from Milan.
So, unexpectedly at home for Christmas, mother needed to get her shopping done.
Online.
But not quite as you might think. She has resisted all attempts to get her online, even with offers of specially adapted keyboards and goodness knows what else by a very helpful lady from some section of the local social services.
No. She doesn't want to be swamped by spam.
(I have a sneaking suspicion that she is thinking of the canned variety of said...but best not to ask...)
And she doesn't want to be swamped by pornography....there's enough of that on the television.
But you can keep in touch with people....
There are some people you don't want to keep in touch with...the telephone's good enough for me...I can see who's calling..and anyway, people are always breaking into it. I don't want my details going all over the world...
So it works like this. She makes a list. I ring her on Skype. She gives me the order. I put it online and Tesco deliver.
Easy peasy.
Not this time.
She has two good neighbours.....both elderly.
The three of them have various disabilities and problems, but they work on the Norn system....sharing the abilities between themselves to keep all three of them going.
Mother is now mobile and can add up faster than the till.
Barbara has back problems but has good sight.
Adolpha (my nickname for this vegetarian of Austrian extraction) is hard of hearing but can carry the trays from the buffet once the other two have sorted out what is on offer and at what price.
So what's the problem?
The problem was that Barbara had just bought a mini jug kettle from Tesco to avoid her carer heating up more water than necessary for one cup on tea.
Mother wanted one.
Fine.
I added it to her order.
I rang her to tell her it was on its way.
Now, ringing mother has to be well planned.
Since her young days as a hurdler she has been keen on...not to say obsessed by...sport .in all its forms and the television offers a great variety most afternoons.
So before ringing it is advisable to check BBC and ITV programmes online to make sure not to commit a gaffe.
Interrupted in contemplation of Formula One she can be testy.
Interrupt the Hennessy Gold Cup and you've got Krakatoa on speed.
The seven hour time difference doesn't help, either.
Still, all prepared, I rang her number...only to be answered by Adolpha.
Who's that?
I told her. I also said that I'd wanted to tell mother that I'd ordered her kettle.
Fatal error.
I could hear her reporting to my mother....
There's some woman on the 'phone who wants to sell you a kettle.
Noises off (mother).
Adolpha returns to the telephone.
She doesn't want one.
Receiver goes down.
I ring again.
I get Adolpha.
I've just told you she doesn't want one. It's a disgrace, harassing elderly people...if you don't get off the line I'll call the police. And how do you know she wants a kettle anyway?
Reports to mother again.
Something's not right here...how would this woman know you've ordered a kettle? She must have hacked at your daughter's computer....they're not safe...nothing's private these days...
Returning to me
She doesn't want one. Understand?
Receiver down again.
The next day, another attempt.
The receiver is picked up and a voice says suspiciously
Hello?
Not mother, clearly.
Is that Adolpha?
No! Wrong number!
And down goes the receiver again.
I did catch mother the following day and gave her the news of her kettle.
Oh, you might have to cancel that.
There's been some telesales woman on trying to sell kettles, and I wanted to get a price...but Adolpha put the 'phone down on her and the next day I think it was her again...about the same time...and Barbara did the same before I could ask her about the price....but she might ring back...
Yes. mother...she well might...
